Chapter 1- The beginning.

kate.
19.
daughter to amazing parents.
sister to a brother.
australian born and bred, but currently COMPLETELY stepping out of my comfort-zone.
EXCHANGE STUDENT- Rotary Youth Exchange Program 2009/2010 in Berlin, Distrikt 1940, Germany.
new culture, language and life.
my year of new experiences is drawing to an end- i have just 4 more months here.
im scared of what my new life in australia holds.
and im scared of wasting the few days i have left here in Deutschland.
i feel like i have changed as a person- of course for the better.
but i still doubt myself. and feel as though im not good enough. that i'll never be good enough.
i wish that life was just like a fairytale- life begins as 'ONCE UPON A TIME' and then ends up with a ...'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'. but i guess then life would be too planned out. in australia, i felt like i was 'that girl'. i was rarely spontaneous.
i was reading BEN'S Blog last night and he's just started his exchange year. and so many of the things he wrote about, i can really identify with them. i mean, i was so excited to begin this year- new opportunities, freedom and the chance to start fresh- to wipe the slate clean. yes, i have made mistakes. but i feel like the people i've had the pleasure to meet in these last 8 months, know me as a completely different person; from that young naive girl that boarded a plane in Sydney Airport, AUSTRALIA on the 24th of January. i felt that the world was at my feet and that i could handle everything, but the truth is, i can't. i still need my mummy's cuddles. and my dad's words of advice. i need the comfort of knowing that at the end of the day, my family and friends will love me; the people who have watched me grow over the past 19 years of my life. to express what i feel in english is one thing, but trying to do that in german- a culture and a language that does not show so much emotion is a totally different story.
i've had days where i've really wanted to throw the towel in. where i've cried myself to sleep at night and question, 'WHY THE HELL DID YOU WANT TO DO THIS?' but like my mum always says, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger and that we all have to search for that little golden ray of sunshine in amongst the cloud-filled sky.
why am i writing a blog? to show im not perfect. to show that there are experiences that i have everyday which remind me that im human. and to remind myself how lucky i am to be here; to have met the people i've met and to make the most of these 4 months and 2 days i have left in this unglaublich country.

Was ich heute geschrieben habe;
BEN- meiner lieb...
so- das ist schon Montag- erste Tad in der Schulwoche. Ich sitze gerade in Geschichte- schön oder?
Ich füllte kommisch. Ich weiß nicht. ... Ich vermisse dich. Ich vermisse meine Mama und mein Papa- sitzen und Fernsehen gucken, oder Abendessen mit meine Mama kochen.
Ich vermisse mein Ex-Freund- und alles was wir zusammen hätten...Aber dass dieser gefüll, dass er wirklich verliebt in mir warst.
Ich füllte so allein hier. Wirklich.
Ich hab dein BLOG gelesen. Und ich verstehe was du meinst. In Australien, ich war total anderes- LUSTIG, SELBSTSICHER- ich hätte keine Angst und hab alles gemacht. Ich hab viele Leute gekennt, aber echt FREUNDEN, nicht viel. Ich hab ein Austauschjahr gemacht, weil ich 'ICH' finden will. Aber das ist mehr komplizert, als ich gedacht habe. Ich bin verloren.
Das Beginnen von mein Austauschjahr- ich war so aufgeregt. Das war MEIN TRAUM. Und ich hab so viele Arbeitet zu dieses Jahr haben. Aber dann es war anderes, als was ich gedacht habe. Keine Freunden, weinig Deutsch, so viel Regln.Es war schiße.
Und jetzt, hab ich 4 Monaten- 2 Tagen mehr hier in Deutschland.
Ich hab ANGST. Was hab ich gemacht? Was wöllen meine Familie und Freunden denken, als ich zurück zu Hause bin?
Ich LIEBE Freiheit und ich will das hier haben.
Ich bin 19. FML.
...
Ich weiß nicht mehr was ich schreiben kann.
Schönen Tag noch.
BLEIB WIE DU BIST- ICH LIEBE DAS.
Immer Immer,
K
xxx